grandma shit on top of the toilet
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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