i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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