The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
