I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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