i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
