I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
