that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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