On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
