The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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