I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
