No more Irish car bombs ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
