1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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