WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
