I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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