when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
