dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
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He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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