Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
