I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
