I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
