I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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