I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
