I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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