Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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