Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
