someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
