I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
