the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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