You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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