It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
