never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
