His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
