So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
