One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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