i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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