final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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