Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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