her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
