New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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