my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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