Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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