yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
