you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
