This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
