What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
