I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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