Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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