God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
