can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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