I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
