i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
