How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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