Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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