At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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