I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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